F******: A Short Story

Her name is Terra, she’s an Orange County flower and I can’t help but think about her. When I first met her she made the ground I walk on shake. I can honestly say she’s perfect and I love her.

She’s the most beautiful girl in the world and I know her. And I love her, I adore her.

She’s a queen, she’s the image those Europeans dudes used when they made their sculptures.

I think I love her because I don’t look like her. I think about who I am, I wonder sometimes if what I feel is wrong, if I’m wrong for thinking about her the way I do. Sometimes I wish I were her just so I could feel as much love as she does. Sometimes I feel it would make me a better person to be loved.

Then I think about my dad and how much he’s taught me. I often wonder if it’s his fault.

If he’s the reason I am the way I am. I read in a book that most kids grow up at different ages and that a strong parental support system is needed to fully develop a child’s mind. That leads me to think that maybe it’s all in my head. Maybe in time I will change and it all has to do with the chemicals that my body is forming. Maybe I have to go to the doctor and get fewer or more chemicals; that’s what my friend Sean did and he says he feels fine.

I wonder what Sean is doing right now? He told me he likes to fuck his pillow when he has a hard dick. He’s probably fucking his pillow right now. When I asked my dad if he fucked his pillow at thirteen he didn’t say anything. I wonder if I should fuck my pillow?

I think I should try it later. Who knows I might like it.

I wonder if my brother Rudy does it? He’s always talking to himself when he thinks no one is around. He always wears mom’s clothes too. I wonder if that’s why mom likes him more than she likes me. Maybe I should wear mom’s clothes? Maybe if I wear my mother’s clothes I’ll feel better about myself or at least have something in common with Rudy. My dad says I should talk to him more, he says, “It’s good to have an older brother to look up to.” I wonder if my dad knows that Rudy sleeps with Mr. Keller from down the street. Maybe if I slept with an older man I might learn something. I wonder if Mr. Keller fucks his pillow when Rudy isn’t around. Sometimes I feel like I want to just tell everyone how I feel but instead I do nothing. I think so much about how I feel that it almost makes me doubt everything I feel. Then I see Terra, god she’s perfect. Her face could change the world, it’s already changed mine.

I think I’m going to just let her know how I feel, I’m going to let her know that when I first met her she made the ground I walk on shake.

I can honestly say she’s perfect and I love her. She’s the most beautiful girl in the world and I know her and I love her, I adore her.

She’s a queen, she’s the image those Europeans dudes used when they made their sculptures.

I think I love her because I don’t look like her. Maybe she’ll be okay with it. Maybe she thinks the same of me.

It’s like dad always says to Rudy, “Man up!” Maybe that’s why Rudy sleeps with Mr. Keller. Maybe if I “man up” good things will start to happen to me.

The next morning I wake up with butterflies in my stomach and can’t help but say, “Today is the day I’m gonna tell Terra how I feel.” I feel that the butterflies are a sign that everything will be okay. Terra and I have fourth period together, so I’ll let her know everything after our class. I can’t help but feel a little embarrassed, even nervous, the butterflies they just won’t go away.

During third period I talk to Sean and tell him what I’m planning to do. I feel like Sean might be my best friend. He often talks to me about his personal life and tells me things he swears he’s never told anyone. I know this because he always makes a point of saying “you know I’ve never told anyone this” before he spills his thoughts to me.

His reaction towards what I’m planning to do leaves me a little frazzled. He says “ what you like Terra? Nah man, she’s not right for you. She might be a lot of things but she’s not right for you at all! It would never work, does she ever tell you her secrets, like I do?”

At first I don’t understand what he’s implying so I walk away. Then it hits me “Sean must like Terra too!” It all made sense, I tried not to let this new revolution affect my goal.

Third period came to an end and I made my way towards my next class. I see Terra just like I always do and wave hello. During class Terra and I are paired in different groups so I don’t get to talk to her. The butterflies feel almost painful, my excited face can hardly contain itself. Fourth period ends and I follow her out the door. As I’m walking towards her I start to feel faint, I stand in front of her and ask, “Terra, can we talk for a second?” She agrees and we walk towards a tree near the back of our school science building. When we arrive I look at her and for a brief second I am calm. I smile as I look up towards the sun that is gently caressing her skin and say to her, “Terra I like you, I know it sounds strange but I like you, I tried not liking you but I just can’t! I don’t know if you like me but I have to just tell you, you are the most beautiful girl in the world to me!” She stares at me in disbelief. Before she can say anything I say, “Terra will you be my girlfriend?!” She takes a step forward towards me but then she yells, “No!”

The word feels like a million daggers stabbing me at the same time, my dreams annihilated.

Before I can ask why, I look down, there’s blood on my skirt.

Terra looks down and says, “This is why we can’t be together! It’s wrong, my mom says I’m not suppose to feel this way about you, she says this is a feeling that is reserved for boys that’s why we can’t be together, Felicia.”

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